1. Be smarter than your employees, always.
This is important to your ego and their subservience. I once had a boss who said she always tried to hire people smarter than herself. Her perspective was wrong. There may be times when you are stuck with employees who are smarter, but you need constantly to remind them that you are the smartest person in the room. Because you’re the boss, your employees will smile and accept what you say to be brilliant, so don’t worry about looking like a fool. Follow the advice below.
When an employee shares an idea, say, “I already thought of that,” or “I considered that, but decided not to do it because (insert any reason; see 2 below).”
Point out the weaknesses in employees’ ideas. This is easy as there’s a downside to every idea. The iPod was too expensive. Digital cameras couldn’t produce nearly the resolution of film cameras. Don’t sail there; you could fall off the edge of the earth.
Always have a bigger story. This is called one-upmanship and is very important to internal corporate relations. If an employee shares his or her harrowing experience rafting the Green River over the weekend, tell of the time you careened down the Amazon in a dugout canoe with nothing but a broken paddle and some bug spray. Your story doesn’t even have to be true. Who would know?
Quote obscure people as if everyone should know who they are. You can make these up, too. Just be sure you deride anyone who doesn’t seem to know the expert as an uneducated lourdaud. Frequently using foreign words, especially French or Latin, works well, also. Just learn one French word tonight and use it in a conversation tomorrow, acting as if everyone had studied that word.
2. Treat information as power, because it is.
Whatever you learn in manager, director, or VP meetings, keep that information to yourself until you can use it to demonstrate your superiority to your subordinates and coworkers.
It is truly satisfying when an employee suggests a direction for a project, and you say, “That would be a good plan if it were in line with our new company vision, so let me explain...”
Pretend to tell inside secrets during staff and other meetings with employees. Say things like, “I’ll give it to you straight: Bob is a jerk and cheats on his wife, but he’s our VP, so let’s pull together and get this project done for him.” This will vulcanize employees’ loyalty to you, because they’ll know they can trust you to cut through the corporate fluff. They may also worry what you’re saying about them, but a little fear is a good thing.
3. Assume employees never speak behind your back.
Because, of course, they won't. Employees are always happy with their current workload, pay and direction, which encourages them always to speak positively about you and their jobs.
You’re their friend; why would they talk about you without your knowledge?
But just to be sure, make rules that restrict employees from discussing sensitive topics such as compensation, corporate secrets, management’s private lives (except the stories you share—see 2,2), and so on. With these rules in place, you can be sure no employee will speak behind your back, leaving you free to say or do anything you want and knowing you will have their 100-percent support.
4. Never underestimate the power of a lie.
Lies are one of the greatest tools in corporate relationships. And because you're the boss, you can say anything you want and no one will call out your discrepancies.
If an event, say a sales meeting, went poorly, and you were in charge, just tell your employees, and your bosses for that matter, that you happened to sit next to the CEO of your biggest reseller on the plane home and he told you that that was the best sales meeting he had ever attended. No one will ever find out that that CEO had actually flown home in a different direction a day earlier because the meeting was a waste of his time.
Remember that employees are stupid and will always believe everything you say, because you are the boss, who has ultimate knowledge (see numbers 2 and 3). At least they are smart enough not to call you out when they recognize a lie or exaggeration.
Sometimes lies don’t need to be outright lies. Just highlight the good stuff and ignore the bad. Employees will never catch on.
Oh, here’s another related idea: Never tell an employee that you are disappointed in his or her performance. Face it, you've already decided you don't like the employee, which is possibly why his or her performance is lacking, but this blog isn’t about your responsibility to positively motivate employees, so let’s ignore that idea. You don't want to give the employee an opportunity to correct their performance. It’s better to wait for a department “restructuring,” when you can move the employee to another department or, better yet, lay the employee off due to "business needs."
5. When you give employees tasks, wait to see what they deliver before you decide what you expect.
This sounds backwards. But it makes a lot of sense, especially if you haven’t really had the wherewithal to think the project through. Most employees would expect their manager to tell them at the start what outcome he or she expects, but this would require that you to know. Waiting to see what the employee produces will save you a lot of work and thought, and if you’re disappointed, you can always say, “Why didn’t you do it this way?” This has the advantage of making you look smarter than your employees.
This super strategy will also come in handy when you have to answer to your boss. If your employees are successful, of course you get credit for running a great department, and if they fail, it’s because your employees are incompetent bunglers. And there’s always a department restructuring coming up.
6. Whatever you do, do not trust your employees’ competence.
When you hired these employees, you reviewed hundreds of resumes. You interviewed a select few people. You had others in the department interview them. Your boss interviewed them. You checked their references and backgrounds. Then you hired the best person you could find. But, unfortunately, the best person likely isn’t competent and certainly isn’t as smart as you. When you assign a project or task, be sure to check on every step, and offer your sound criticism when the employee is making bad decisions, and he or she surely will make bad decisions at every step.
Be sure to tell employees exactly what to do, especially if they don’t ask for help. Not asking for help means they do not understand the extent of your understanding and knowledge. For example, give them the names of each person they should contact for input on an idea. Don’t forget to tell them to contact the people by both phone and email and to do it today. Otherwise they will probably just send a letter next week.
7. Change direction often to reinforce the manager-employee relationship.
Books and courses on management will tell you to develop a vision and stick to it, but this is wrong. Frequently changing course reinforces that you are the smart one who is always outthinking everyone else. When employees come up with new ideas or ways of doing their jobs, you should correct their thinking with the right way. This is important as it reminds them why you are the boss and they are not.
After employees have made progress on an initiative, provide a different direction, even if it's counter to your initial direction. In fact, you should always do this. This strategy will help employees to stop pursuing their own stupid ideas and from thinking they are competent. They will learn to just come to you for direction each time. You may notice some of your more skilled and ambitious employees becoming frustrated, but this is okay. It is important for them to settle down and understand that you are the boss and they are not.
8. Be a psychologist.
Employees cannot be trusted to give you a straight answer, so ask carefully crafted questions that trick them into telling you what you need to know.
If you want to know whether an employee or job candidate has the skills needed to complete a particular task, don’t ask the person or candidate directly whether he or she has the skills and to provide examples. For example, if you want to know whether the person has experience building business plans, ask about his or her family relationships or hobbies or how he or she learned to drive a car. Then extrapolate from the answer whether he or she has the skills to build a business plan.
This works especially well in performance reviews and when interviewing potential employees for a job. The person will leave thinking you were interested in how to bake a German chocolate cake, when you were actually able to determine that the person will probably put too much time into researching a project before undertaking it. And they won’t think you’re an idiot; they’ll be amazed at how clever you are.
9. Compensate employees as little as possible.
You will be considered a great corporate leader if you can hire good employees at the lowest possible point on the pay scale. Employees will never discuss compensation among themselves (see number 3,2) and thus discover discrepancies. Paying them at the bottom of the scale lets them know how lucky they are to have a job at all, and they will stay loyal to you and the company for letting them show up every day.
Don’t compliment employees when they complete a project successfully. They should be happy to have a job, and they get a paycheck to compensate for their work. Complimenting them will only encourage others to expect compliments, too, and you’ll end up spending all your time trying to figure out why you appreciate your employees.
This also works for vendors. Paying them less than the next company makes them work harder for you, thinking you’ll be encouraged to pay more next time.
10. Be a buddy to your employees.
This is a super strategy that will bring out the best in rival departments that don’t practice this.
You want to be liked by your employees, and being their buddy is the quickest path to their hearts. They’ll soon treat you as one of their peers. When it’s time for performance reviews, you’ll give them all great marks. You will overlook minor infractions and avoid disciplinary actions altogether.
Here's an even better strategy: If you buddy up to just one or two employees, this will be great incentive for the others on your team to want to work harder, so they can be your buddy, too.
11. Remind employees that you are superior in every way.
Frequently saying things such as, “I started out as (insert the employee’s job title),” will remind your employees that you have progressed well beyond where they are now. The fact that you are their manager isn’t enough.
Never admit that an employee has a skill you don’t have. Remember that employees do not care about what they add to the department; they only want to measure up to your expectations so they can justify receiving a paycheck.
12. Being the boss is a privilege, not a responsibility.
This sounds self-centered and counter-intuitive, because it is, but it is the way of business. You worked hard for your position and deserve to be recognized for your contributions. Your employees, on the other hand, may not agree that you are a superior human being to them in every way, so it is important for you to constantly remind them that you have the right to boss them around. Do not ask their opinion before making decisions, especially the ones the affect their career. Frequently reorganize, changing job descriptions to show that you are in control of the “big picture” of their responsibilities and future. Be sure the new organization is settled before sharing it with employees; you don’t want them to think they can influence the decision.
After you’ve made major decisions, such as reorgs, ask your employees for their opinions so they will feel they had a stake in the decision. They will instantly and openly agree with everything you present and will not grumble behind your back.
Constantly look for and point out employee weaknesses and mistakes. This will illustrate to them that you are all-knowing and they are inferior. That’s why you’re the boss, right? They need to be reminded daily.
13. Executive worship makes great companies.
You likely work for a company that expects its employees to worship their executives, because they are part of the privileged class (see 12 above) that employees can only hope to join someday. If you’re in marketing, for example, your company’s CEO, president and vice presidents are certainly all marketing geniuses, as well as the primary experts in sales, engineering, manufacturing, and so on. When you undertake an activity, you need only to gauge its success on whether the executives are impressed. The marketing employee should never be concerned with understanding the needs of the market, the audience, or how it reacts to marketing activities. Stunning websites that use the latest presentation technologies and shiny objects, nicely printed collateral, flashy trade show booths, and seminars presented by industry luminaries always impress executives. Whatever you do, do not conduct market research or user studies, or measure customer satisfaction. These may conflict with executives’ opinions and will certainly become a conundrum, because you will not know whether to please executives or customers. Just remember which one will be filling out your next performance review.
14. You are right. You are always right. You are the boss. You win.
When the organization selected you to be the boss, it gave you the right to be right. Do not confuse this with doing the right thing.
15. Keep your employees busy to ensure high productivity.
You should constantly watch your employees to be sure they aren't slacking. One great way to keep them productive is to give them projects. Thinking up the projects should take you just minutes while creating hours of productive work for your employees. Include things such as conducting an inventory of competitors' websites, reviewing all the work they've completed over the past year to see if anything needs to be updated, revising their objectives for the quarter and the year (this can be done many times), and so on. An added bonus is that the busier you keep your employees, the less time they have to think up stupid new ways to meet their objectives, and even possibly coming up with some embarrassingly better solutions than the ones you've bestowed on them.
16. Do not communicate rules until after they have been broken.
In fact, don't even think about guidelines until after your employees have done work and submitted their work product. Then take great satisfaction in telling them that they did not follow the rules. The lazy leaches need to learn that doing their work over will lead to better results. At the least, it will keep them out of your hair for a while.
17. Tactful communications are a waste of time and counterproductive.
I read recently that the ability to communicate with sensitivity offers the following benefits: 1. It's important when delivering bad news. 2. Tact builds your credibility, and shows character, maturity, professionalism, and integrity. 3. It demonstrates good manners, letting you communicate with the grace and consideration that will get you noticed. 4. Tact helps you avoid conflict, find common ground and save face. (From Mindtools.com http://bit.ly/2cWhtbt)
Wait. What a bunch of hooey. You don't have time for this. If you really want your employees to respect your authority, you will belittle them at every chance.
18. Hire the best and grade them like the rest.
When you hire employees, it is very important that you write clear objectives and requirements for the position, carefully review each application and resume for the most promising candidates, and put your top picks through the most rigorous interview process with potential managers, constituents and peers. Then, after consultations with the interviewers, select the most qualified employees available. This ensures you have the highest-performing employees in your industry, giving you a big competitive advantage. Pat yourself on the back. Congratulate your new hires. Welcome them aboard. Tell them how happy you are to have such great employees.
Now it's time for annual performance reviews. Remind your employees that if they show up each day and do the excellent job you expect, they are meeting expectations. This places them right in the middle of the bell curve, worthy of a cost-of-living raise. True, some of what initially appeared to be superior employees will be demotivated and their productivity may sag, proving that they weren’t so great after all. Some will begin to disappoint you. This is good, because you need to fill out the lower end of the bell curve. Others will leave. Don't worry; they were a bad fit. The bulk of your hires will settle into the middle, doing enough to meet the minimum requirements of the middle.
Congratulations! Your company has reached mediocrity. Next time, just hire the mediocre from the start.
19. Take pride in being the Fixer.
Employees are always broken. You're the omniscient boss; fix them, for crying out loud. Despite your attempt to hire the best employees in the market (see numbers 6 and 18), they have many weaknesses and performance bug-a-boos that beg you to fix them. Always, always be looking for ways to fix your employees. When you greet employees each morning, you should be seeing a room full of broken tea cups. Remember you’re the boss; with that title you were given a giant tube of superglue. You have no idea how motivated employees will be when they realize you view them as continually broken and in need of your keen eye, criticism and corrective lectures. Oh, they will worship you for being so insightful.
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